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| A little mid-week humor | ||
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Moderators: G-MAN-GUK, Sibren
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PuddinSkins Thu Oct 13 2011, 05:03pm |
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Dear Employee, As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments in your area, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earning for Retirement Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And once again, thanks for the countless years of service with us! Have a great day! | |||
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| GRS Thu Oct 13 2011, 07:06pm | | |||
Hahahah had a great laugh thanks  --------------------- --------------------- | ||||
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| KeinName1969 Thu Oct 13 2011, 08:33pm |
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 | Even i had to translate most of it, very great. ROFL  NoName for KeinName  | |||
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| vern240sx Thu Oct 13 2011, 09:18pm |
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 | I will copy and paste this my official company paper and this posted in the lunch room, it's too funny.  Here's the deal -- I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. - Ricky Bobby  | |||
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| PuddinSkins Fri Dec 09 2011, 10:25pm |
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| St_Ides Sat Dec 10 2011, 05:31am |
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 | Loved it!!! Sent it off to my parents......they're gettin close to retirement so I think they'll appreciate it.  | |||
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| St_Ides Wed Sep 26 2012, 03:21am |
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| GrumpyKingtiger Wed Sep 26 2012, 05:17am |
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 | @ Puddin: sounds like you work where I do!  "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!" - General George. S. Patton | |||
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| ardito Wed Sep 26 2012, 08:44am | | |||
 | lol Mitic post and reply  | |||
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| qc_erik Thu Sep 27 2012, 01:14am |
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 | really funny  | |||
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| PuddinSkins Sun Sep 30 2012, 11:26pm |
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| | I love the Canadian Army, we can always count on them! | |||
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| PuddinSkins Tue Jan 15 2013, 07:04pm |
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| | FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No" . I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think be fore she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! | |||
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| PuddinSkins Fri Apr 25 2014, 10:23pm |
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| St_Ides Wed May 21 2014, 08:10am |
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| St_Ides Sun Aug 24 2014, 05:37am |
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| | "Just go to your local home improvement store and ask for the big black caulk!" [ Edited Sun Aug 24 2014, 05:39am ] | |||
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| GrumpyKingtiger Thu Sep 04 2014, 04:40am |
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| | LOL "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!" - General George. S. Patton | |||
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| St_Ides Fri Sep 05 2014, 04:03am |
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| | Thanks for the laugh grumpy.....the video has been sitting there for a while now and nothing......was beginning to think it just wasn't funny!  | |||
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| GrumpyKingtiger Sat Sep 06 2014, 07:46am |
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| | I thought it was pretty funny. "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!" - General George. S. Patton | |||
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