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10 reasons why I hate Star Trek
Moderators: G-MAN-GUK, Sibren
Michael_Prytz
Tue Jul 22 2014, 10:44am


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10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

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G-MAN-GUK
Wed Jul 23 2014, 10:52am



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haha, but any Star Trek fans here? I really like Star Trek, my guilty pleasure...

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vern240sx
Thu Jul 24 2014, 07:50am



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Voyager fan here, watched the complete series a while back on Netflix took less than a week.



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G-MAN-GUK
Thu Jul 24 2014, 10:17am



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vern240sx wrote ...

Voyager fan here, watched the complete series a while back on Netflix took less than a week.


I kind of watched them back to front, I started with ENTERPRISE, then I downloaded older ones, ended up watching Voyager and TNG, like you banging them out in a week or so lol.

Lot of memories of the Original Series when I was a kid, dad use to watch those.

The new movies are awesome too.

[ Edited Thu Jul 24 2014, 10:19am ]

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Bullbio
Thu Jul 24 2014, 04:02pm



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G-MAN-GUK wrote ...

haha, but any Star Trek fans here? I really like Star Trek, my guilty pleasure...


Nope, except for Star Trek II because they blew shit up and killed those evil sons of bitches. Sort of like almost every Bruce Willis movie ever made. Oops, my American is showing.



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GrumpyKingtiger
Sat Jul 26 2014, 06:56pm



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@Micheal: That was great!
I'm a Star Trek fan since I saw my first show in 1968. I also went with my cousin to the first Star Trek convention in 1975 or 76, at the Roosevelt Hotel in NYC.
I've seen every series, but The original to me is the best.
The original Enterprise is the best looking one.
@Bullbio: Unlike PC Captain Picard, Kirk was never afraid to pull the trigger, or bang the green chicks!



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He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!"
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Bullbio
Sun Jul 27 2014, 12:23pm



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Once you go green, Grumpy.....

You're Al Gore's bitch!


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GrumpyKingtiger
Tue Jul 29 2014, 04:49am



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LMAO!


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