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A little mid-week humor
Moderators: G-MAN-GUK, Sibren
PuddinSkins
Thu Oct 13 2011, 05:03pm



Donations: $670
Posts: 237

Received: 8 beers
Thanked: 6 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:

Subject: severance

Dear Employee,

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments in
your area, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this
plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who will represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase
of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may
be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earning for Retirement Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). We take pride in the amount
of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than
any other company in the area. If any employee feels they do not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And once again, thanks for the countless years of service with us!

Have a great day!
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PuddinSkins has been thanked 1 time for this post!
GRS
Thu Oct 13 2011, 07:06pm


Donations: $868
Posts: 630

Received: 6 beers
Thanked: 17 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
Hahahah had a great laugh thanks

---------------------



---------------------
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KeinName1969
Thu Oct 13 2011, 08:33pm



Donations: $217
Posts: 646

Received: 6 beers
Thanked: 10 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
Even i had to translate most of it, very great.
ROFL

NoName for KeinName
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vern240sx
Thu Oct 13 2011, 09:18pm



Donations: $725
Posts: 431

Received: 5 beers
Thanked: 21 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
I will copy and paste this my official company paper and this posted in the lunch room, it's too funny.



Here's the deal -- I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. - Ricky Bobby

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PuddinSkins
Fri Dec 09 2011, 10:25pm



Donations: $670
Posts: 237

Received: 8 beers
Thanked: 6 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
Buy PuddinSkins a beer!
PuddinSkins has been thanked 1 time for this post!
St_Ides
Sat Dec 10 2011, 05:31am



Donations: $300
Posts: 549

Received: 14 beers
Thanked: 19 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
Loved it!!! Sent it off to my parents......they're gettin close to retirement so I think they'll appreciate it.



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St_Ides
Wed Sep 26 2012, 03:21am



Donations: $300
Posts: 549

Received: 14 beers
Thanked: 19 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:




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GrumpyKingtiger
Wed Sep 26 2012, 05:17am



Donations: $270
Posts: 768

Received: 28 beers
Thanked: 30 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
@ Puddin: sounds like you work where I do!


"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.
He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!"
- General George. S. Patton
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ardito
Wed Sep 26 2012, 08:44am



Donations: $721
Posts: 525

Received: 4 beers
Thanked: 3 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
lol Mitic post and reply
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qc_erik
Thu Sep 27 2012, 01:14am



Donations: $775
Posts: 356

Received: 8 beers
Thanked: 14 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
really funny
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PuddinSkins
Sun Sep 30 2012, 11:26pm



Donations: $670
Posts: 237

Received: 8 beers
Thanked: 6 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
I love the Canadian Army, we can always count on them!
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PuddinSkins
Tue Jan 15 2013, 07:04pm



Donations: $670
Posts: 237

Received: 8 beers
Thanked: 6 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No" .
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think be fore she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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PuddinSkins
Fri Apr 25 2014, 10:23pm



Donations: $670
Posts: 237

Received: 8 beers
Thanked: 6 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
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St_Ides
Wed May 21 2014, 08:10am



Donations: $300
Posts: 549

Received: 14 beers
Thanked: 19 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:




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St_Ides
Sun Aug 24 2014, 05:37am



Donations: $300
Posts: 549

Received: 14 beers
Thanked: 19 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:


"Just go to your local home improvement store and ask for the big black caulk!"

[ Edited Sun Aug 24 2014, 05:39am ]



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GrumpyKingtiger
Thu Sep 04 2014, 04:40am



Donations: $270
Posts: 768

Received: 28 beers
Thanked: 30 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
LOL


"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.
He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!"
- General George. S. Patton
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St_Ides
Fri Sep 05 2014, 04:03am



Donations: $300
Posts: 549

Received: 14 beers
Thanked: 19 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
Thanks for the laugh grumpy.....the video has been sitting there for a while now and nothing......was beginning to think it just wasn't funny!



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GrumpyKingtiger
Sat Sep 06 2014, 07:46am



Donations: $270
Posts: 768

Received: 28 beers
Thanked: 30 times
Battlefield 3:
Battlefield 2:
I thought it was pretty funny.


"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.
He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!"
- General George. S. Patton
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